A different kind of heaven
by inkydoo
Summary: What could be worse than talking to the dead? Believing the dead.


Vash was lying on his back, looking at the sky. With a lazy arm hung over his forehead, he heard someone approaching. Normally the high-strung gunman would have bounded up, poised and ready for action at the slightest sound, but he was unusually at ease with the knowledge that someone else was near him. That's because Vash already knew who it was. He could smell him from a mile away.

"Call me crazy, but doesn't always reeking of nicotine ruin the element of surprise?" Vash propped himself up on his elbow and looked around to see Wolfwood staring out over the horizon.

The priest in black laughed a dry laugh, then took another drag off his smoke. "It hurt in my former profession...but the big guy up there doesn't have me offing anyone. Anyway, it never stopped me before." He punctuated the sentence by exhaling a long stream of smoke from his mouth.

"So, how have you been?" Vash was asking in earnest.

"I'm dead." Wolfwood finally looked at him and smiled. He walked over and sat down by Vash. "So tell me, what are things like in the land of the living?"

"Well, the girls are doing fine. Millie still misses you, but she's a trooper."

"Yeah...I miss her, too." Without dark his shades on, Vash could see the look of loss in Wolfwood's eyes.

"...And Knives isn't terrorizing anyone. He's got a hobby: farming."

"Huh...And I suppose he's helping people now?" Wolfwood sounded incredulous.

"Well, it took a long time, and I had to shoot him...18 times...to get him to stop with the destroying, but he finally came around." Vash was smiling sheepishly.

"18 times? Jesus Christ! That's what I call tough love." He took another drag off his cigarette. "Well, it's amazing what you can live through, isn't it."

"Yeah...I think he just got tired of the endless cycle of running off, killing people, then getting shot full of holes by me and having to deal with the insurance girls. But I don't think he'll do it anymore. He's living in a town with no plants and he's helping the people to survive on their own. Soon he'll start trying to 'free' the plants in the cities, but I don't know how they will react. It's definitely controversial."

"Hmm. You'll have to keep me posted." Wolfwood looked around again and grinned. "So...how are you and the short girl?"

Vash blushed. "It's, um, complicated."

Wolfwood laughed at Vash's bashfulness. "I'm sure it is!"

"Yeah...well, Wolfwood, I had a question."

"Shoot." He ground his cigarette out on the bottom of his foot.

"What's it like to be dead?"

"Oh, it's not so bad...You get to float around and there's lots of time to do stuff that you didn't get to do when you were alive. Fun stuff like jet skiing and bungie jumping."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Actually, yes. Most of my time is filled with filing paper work. I'm stuck in a cubicle all day long! Man. If I knew heaven was like this, I would have tried a little harder to not die."

Did Wolfwood ever take him seriously? Vash tried to imagine Wolfwood with an office job. "Sounds perfect for Meryl."

"Yeah," Wolfwood said sarcastically, "at least SOMEONE will think it's heavenly."

Vash had a laugh, but after a while, his expression turned serious. "Hey Wolfwood, do you think...I'll ever die?"

Wolfwood looked him over. "What, you thinking about offing yourself?"

Vash adimantly shook his head. "Of course not!" He looked away. "I was just wondering if I would ever get to see my friends again. I've got the insurance girls now, but eventually they won't be around any longer...and..." He looked like he was going to cry.

"Hey, hey, calm down. I'm sure you'll die some day!" Wolfwood was well aware of the irony that this news was good news. "But..."

Vash looked up quickly. "But what?"

Wolfwood grinned. "Well, you have to go to pet heaven."

"WHAAAAAT!" Vash was standing up now, his face the textbook definition of disbelief.

"Yeah, HEAVEN heaven is for humans. You're not a human..."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

"Yes."

"WHAT! WHAT! AM I NOT A CHAMPION OF THE HUMANS? DO I NOT PROTECT EVERY LIVING BEING ON THE PLANET? DO I NOT EXTOL THE VIRTUES OF EVERY MAJOR RELIGION EVER CONCEIVED?" Vash wasn't one to be presumptuous, but this simply was not fair. To be stuck with Kuronekosama for the rest of eternity...he couldn't even fathom. Vash started hyperventilating.

"Hey, hey! Chill! For you...I'm sure the big guy will make an exception." Wolfwood was laughing really hard now.

Vash didn't find the joke very funny. "If you were alive right now, I'd kill you."

Wolfwood was now rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. "Oh sure! Like I haven't heard THAT one before!"

* * *

Ahh...what can I say. My dad's an ex-catholic...and I am a religious studies minor...and I watch too many cartoons. (BTW, This story doesn't reflect any of my beliefs. I just thought it would be funny.)


End file.
